How To Handle A Narcissist
Lately, I’ve had a couple of conversations with friends working with highly narcissistic people. My friends are shocked that someone could be so self-absorbed, and they’re finding it’s almost unbearable to work with them. That’s understandable because narcissists, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, are irrational, annoying, and can often be abusive.
Get Out While You Can
However, narcissists are hard to spot at first. They are often highly charismatic and successful, and can be a lot of fun, the life of the party. But, stand in the way of something they want, shift attention away from them, or accuse them of something, and watch out.
Dr. Sam Vaknin has this to say about them:
The narcissist is a micro-manager. He exerts control over the minutest details and behaviors. He punishes severely and abuses with holders of information and those who fail to conform to his wishes and goals.
The narcissist does not respect the boundaries and privacy of his reluctant adherents. She ignores their wishes and treats them as objects or instruments of gratification. She seeks to control both situations and people compulsively.
He strongly disapproves of others’ personal autonomy and independence.
She acts in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes often.
The narcissist claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skillful, omnipotent, and omniscient. He often lies and confabulates to support these unfounded claims (find the rest here).
Not pretty.
The best bet? Get out. Run. Hide. If you’re working for one, they could easily ruin your life. If you’re married to one, they might have already done that
What To Do If You Have To Work With One
“Oh crap,” you’re thinking, “but I really need the job. Am I really in that much trouble?”
Yes, but fortunately narcissists are very easy to handle if you know how to exploit their biggest weakness. Their ego. Trust me, it’s big.
Here are some pointers for dealing with a narcissist, and the cool thing is, the larger their ego, the better these techniques work.
- Let them be the STAR. Let’s pretend you need the narcissist to do something important. You should say, “Narcissist, I have a huge huge favor to ask you. You’re time is so important, we wouldn’t it if it wasn’t crucial to the company. In fact, if this doesn’t get done we might go bankrupt. Not now, but a little while from now. Anyway, we know you’re the most capable person to do this. Will you help us? You’re our only hope!” It sounds overly dramatic and it is, but the narcissist will think they’re finally getting the acknowledgment they deserve. They’re going to be the savior of the company, even if what you’re asking them to do is just a simple mail merge.
- Flatter until you’re so sick of sounding like a kiss ass that you throw up. Then, flatter some more. Another way to get a narcissist to do what you want is to preface it with flattery. Narcissists have one need above all others, admiration. They will drive themselves to the bone for it. Say, “Listen, narcissist, you are the best at at what you do and I am so lucky to be working with you. This is way below your skill level and you might not be interested at all, but…” Whatever it is, they’ll do it.
- Get what you want in writing from the beginning. If you’re working for one, make sure to get everything you agreed upon, like your pay, vacation time, and benefits, in writing. A month or two from now, they’ll try to change the rules and cheat you out of everything they ever gave. They only believe in honesty and integrity if it agrees with what’s in their best interests in the moment. If you have it in writing, they might reluctantly agree to give you what they agreed to in the beginning. If not, at least you’ll have something to go to your lawyer’s with.
- Try not to disagree with them. If you do have a difference of opinion, try to present it sneakily, using the techniques describe in #1 and #2. Otherwise they’ll feel threatened and will lash out. Beware!
- Have your 2 week notice ready, and once you leave don’t come back. If you’re working 30 hours more than you said you would and you’ve needed a vacation for 2 years, it’s time to leave. Be prepared for them to call you saying they want you back, that they need you, flattering you and appealing to the little narcissist in you. Don’t do it. Things won’t change. They won’t change. They can’t change. Change requires admitting you are wrong, something narcissists are incapable of. So don’t kid yourself that you can change them.
Don’t worry. They’re actually not that difficult to manage as long as you don’t get in their way.
Is It Ethical?
Some might question the morals of using techniques like flattery and distraction to manipulate people. You’re right, if these were normal people, I would never suggest doing any of these things. They wouldn’t work on normal people anyway. Narcissists are not normal though. They are not rational. They don’t have rules, except the one to serve themselves. They are giant vacuums which will suck every once of life out of you, chew you up, and spit you out without a second thought. You have to have some strategies for dealing with people like this. Otherwise, you’d die a long, horrible death.
Some of this article is based off of Psychology Today’s article, viewable here.
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This entry was posted on Friday, August 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm and is filed under Joe Bunting the Teacher. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on August 22, 2008 at 11:02 am Li wrote:
I am terrified and definitely a little bit nauseous. Ahhh!
on October 2, 2008 at 9:32 am Christine Wolf wrote:
Great Article. Everything that was said is true and these techniques do work! I had one in my life a few years ago and am still dealing with the fallout. But, leaving them for good is really the only way to get your “self” back. Stay with them and your life will be reduced to a vegetative state.
on October 2, 2008 at 9:58 am admin wrote:
Thanks for your comment Christine. I think what you say about losing your true “self” and becoming “vegetative” in relationship with a narcissist is true. It’s very easy to become co-dependent with one, feeding off their self confidence and needing to take care of or change them. Scary stuff. I’m hope you’ve gotten your “self” back for good Christine.
on October 6, 2008 at 10:33 pm cin wrote:
Help, after 6 months he has been in touch with me. I think it’s because he loves me but deep down I know better. What is wrong with me ? I am an educated women who has always taken care of herself, and now I feel like I am sucked into this thing that I will never be able to overcome. I am in counseling and it does seem to help. I can’t let him go. I have been on every web site imaginable and I need some help. Any suggestions ????
on October 22, 2008 at 8:58 am admin wrote:
Cin,
Let’s talk over email about this.
Joe
on December 18, 2008 at 11:52 pm Ellen wrote:
hi Cin,
Hang in there! I know exactly how you feel. I moved to another state to forget mine and it’s been really hard but after 3 months it’s finally happening. I am doing things now that I would never have done if I stayed with him. I am making really great friends and have gotten an awesome job opportunity. If you identitfy the parts of yourself that you’ve given up because of his jealousy and control and work on those you might find your true self again. It’s hard. I still feel sad. But I KNOW
on March 8, 2009 at 1:11 pm Jah wrote:
I am married to a Narcissist and recently separated after he threw me on the floor and held me in submission moves because I broke a vase out of rage. He left bruises on my body but said he was only restraining me, this has happened at least 5 times. He’s an incredible charmer but has sucked the life out of me, crusehed my self worth and destroyed my confidence. Doesn’t help that I’m a model, he stopped getting erections for me along time ago. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep while he slept like a baby. He called me white trash, a crazy bitch, hillbilly, etc. Then would turn around and say he loved me and lets go watch the football game together. No empathy, a black hole in his eyes, bizarre things would come out of his mouth… I still loved him and tried to fix him. When I left him he came home while I was packing, changed his clothes and went to the gym. I haven’t seen him since. He never even asked where I moved.
on September 9, 2009 at 1:30 am Unknown wrote:
Hi,
I’m am in a relationship for the past year with a N. I am divorced and have a 3 year old daughter. I seperated when she was still a baby and she accepted the N as her father. So, I do not want her to get hurt when I leave him and she is the reason that i keep trying.
I am a lawyer and I am 15 years my N’s junior. people allways tell me that i am good looking and smart, but I stopped believing myself and others. We are fighting every week and the arguments only get worse. I told me quite a few times that I have to pack my stuff and i have to make sure that I moved out when he returns. I had to pack a few times and leave for my mother’s. I even called my father once who lives far away to fetch me. Feeling guilty towards my daughter and parents< I would then beg my N to take me back. After lots of tears and begging he will then decide that I can come back. Few of the times he even apologized and promised met the moon and the stoars - i forgave him everytime and went back. It happened twice that I had to leave during the night with my daugter. the one time I could no other place to stay that time of the night and i had to once again ask him to let just spend the night at home. He then went on the following day as if nothing happened. The other time I went to my mother’s after work and by 21h00 i still didn’t hear anything from him. I once again begged him to return to home. I could take all of this, but now he invented the art of humiliating me infront of him teenage son and 10 year old daughter when they come to visit us.
He would shout at me in front of them, tell lies about me, for instance that I had an affair during my marriage and he told them that they have to take all thier stuff to ehtir mother’s house because I am going to take everything they own and give it to the wellfare. Is that just not sick? Once we had an argument about something that the one of the children did and all three of them were lying about - he was furious at me for hinting that it was his daugther and concluded that it only could have been my daugther - anyone would have known that it was not the work of a 3 year old. He waked them at 22h00 - despite me requesting him not to do this - and made them sit in the kitchen untill they confessed and all thet time het made it look as if it was my idea. I cannot protect myself against this! How do I argue with him in front of his children?! Then he turned around and accused me of traumatising his children in front of them! He even made me write them letters to apologise for the trauma I caused them. And the one I feel the sorry for most, is my little one. She adores him and his children and I can’t bear the thought of her having to seperate from this “father” - it will severly traumatise her.
In any event - he made me give up my house to move in wwith him. he threw all my furniture out or gave it to the gardener. I don’t even have a teaspoon left. Everything I own is gone. At the time I thought it was sweet and I thougth this proved his commitment towards me. We are on his medical aid - i had to cancel mine. He pays my daugter’s schoolfees and ALL our other expenses. My car is broken but even before it broke, het let me use one of his expensive cars and I use his petrol card. If I leave, I have no where to go. I can’t go to my parents - my mother does not speak to me anymore and my father does not approve of the N because I return everytime. My N does not allow me to spend any time alone, exept when I am working and socialising with friends is totally out of the question. I have no friends left. He also wants me to resign - which I did this morning. i will be out of a job by the end of the year.
Last night he ignored me when I asked him something - twice. When I demanded an aswer he threw cold water into my blouse! i was so shocked, but tried not to show it. He then said that it was a joke and he can’t believe the state I am in. I asked him if he thought that I would regard it as a joke and he just refused to answer the question. i then asked him if what I think doesn’t mean anything to him and he said. My daugther started crying and when I went to settle her down , he came into the room continuing the argument. i asked him to leave the room as he is upsetting her, bu he insisted that he will not do so as it is his room. I then took my daughter and went to the TV room with her. Without saying anything he drove into the night. I then put my daughter back in bed and took a bath. Later when I checked to see if he is back, I found that he locked himself in the spare bedroom, lights off. Obviously he he was going to sleep there. i knocked a few times, but he refused to open the door and to speak to me. he told me to go to sleep. I didn’t feel up to spending another night crying and praying. I begged him to open so thet we can talk about what upset him, but he yelled at me and hit the door. he said he had enough of me and my daughter and he had nothing to say to me. he also asked me what he should do with me in my bed. ( He told me twice in the past that he does not want to sleep with me). I asked him to talk to me and to sort this out because I love him dearly and I do not want to fight with him. He told me he will not open the door and I must f…off. For the fisrt time in our relationship, I left it there and went to our bedroom. i didn’t sleep all night, hoping and praying that he will come to me during the night. This morning he did not come out to greet me before i left for work and I heard nothing of him. I know that he will punish me by ignoring me and I am scared that he will changed the locks or something to put us out. I don’t know how to handle him anymore and I have to make this relationship work of the sake of my daughter and alse because I love him so much.
Last week he also told me to f…off and he said that he feels f…. for me. He apologized the next day saying that he didn’t mean it, but it still hurts. No one has ever said something like that to me. If someone drives me to the point of swearing at them and telling them that I don’t feel anything for them, then they would really have to be on my nerves. Even though I’ve had irritating boyfriends, I have never treated them like this. Does this mean that he really does not love me? Should I just accept it? Or is he only trying to hurt me really bad?
How do I go about from here? Should I just ignore him or should I beg for his mercy again? i konw that he is going to punish me, no matter what. But i need him to know that he can’t swear at me or sleep in another room every second night. Pleas advise me urgently!
on January 27, 2010 at 8:53 am Melli wrote:
Hi,
I am glad to hear I am not the only one in this terrible situation. I have been in love with, and have been “friends” with a narcissist for years. I am a very successful and attractive woman yet I constantly feel he drains every ounce of confidence in me whenever I am around him. Unfortunately these situations are terrible to deal with when you love the person and have a very difficult time letting them go. He has verbally abused me, constantly tried to find ways to downplay all my successes, wont even ask me about my life, and whenever I call him out on it he somehow turns the situation and tries to make me seem like the bad person. Fortunately he does know he is a narcissist, and seems to be content being that way, and knows full and well what he is doing to people, and does feel bad about it. I think that is why this is difficult for me. I feel he sees this as a problem and wants to be happy, but wont let himself change. I have tried to ignore/avoid this person for over a year but nothing has ever worked. I try to date other people but he still comes back on my mind! If anyone has any idea of how to cope with these issues, then by all means, I welcome it. Currently I am not talking to him very much. He just always makes me feel bad. And does anyone have any idea how I can help him seek help… again he knows he has a problem, he just refuses to go to therapy and feels that he is content with being like this.